Friday, May 25, 2007
When things get tough.. especially.. when your self-identity and the minimal self-respect is being challenged.. what do you do? Do you keep your cool, pray in tongues inside your heart.. hoping everything will be over soon.. or do you unleash everything out? blaring what's inside of you..
I'm sorry i chose the latter way.. perhaps both of us are wrong.. i shouldn't have expressed how i feel in the loud and unpleasant way.. but it sure doesn't feel good.. when you are treated like dirt.. out of the mouths of your loved ones.. saying about how lousy you are.. can't accomplish anything great.. etc.. saying that it's love that made them said so.. to do so..
I'm sorry.. i felt like saying out i rather don't want the love you give.. it's too much for me to bear.. perhaps it's what God feels?? the love of the people was too much to bear.. too much that He has to go to the cross.. but the only difference between us is that He bore it.. i can't..
I'm sorry.. to come to the end of the day.. and realised i didn't managed to fulfil what i prayed before the Lord.. at the end of the day, i just realised i am only human.. and that my mind is willing and that my flesh is weak..
oh lord.. more of your grace.. more of your grace.. more of your grace.. like never before..
DayS of XY's LIFE.
5/25/2007 09:49:00 PM
YE!!! i am finally back!!!! after so many weeks of trying to log in.. initially i wanted to let this be the last time and if it still fails to start.. i'll start a new blog elsewhere.. hmmpf..
anyway.. actually.. i still blog lah.. but i saved it in words.. so right now i present.. my old ' brand new' posts!!
Recently, quite xing ku lah.. without a blog to write my life and thoughts.. a lot of things happened.. and I guess I can say it’s on the good side. I felt like as if I walked along the sides of hell, almost to tumble into the holes of the entrance.. but always at the last min, God will always put out His hands to pull me back. I guess I can never win God. Of his grace and presence. And genuine touch. All the struggles I have, to or not to. Normally it’s not because I’ve totally walk out of God’s hands, because if I do, I don’t need to struggle. But it’s when deep down in your heart, God has a place in you but you just chose to ignore it, it’s quite painful to make any decisions that involves Him. Perhaps I need to thank the devil that I had a chance of breaking out and coming back again . cause I realized all along the desires I had is not what I intended it to be. i realized it taught me to even cherish what I have in my hands. All the definition of leadership is what the devil has tried to blur my visions.. leadership comes from the Lord, it’s not just about the people, not just about the numbers, you don’t just take what the ministry has hurt or wore you out, and you take it back and throw it at God. Throwing in the towel, as if the Lord owes you something and you are just taking what it’s yours originally. Actually, if we go back to point zero, my leadership position, my identity as His child, having a chance to be a Christian is all what He gave it to me. To put it shortly, I am who I am because of Him and I will only give up who I am or what He has intended me to be, unless 1st He chose to take it away or give it up on me.
I learnt a lot of things along the journey that I walked through this time round,
I learnt to let go of certain things that used to be my old wineskins.
I learnt to accept the bad that happened in my life.
I learnt to trust and work hard.
I learnt to believe in miracles.
And time and time again, I always rediscover who God is, His different sides, His different whispers of love and encouragements.
I learnt about His love and grace and mercy and gentleness and it always seems getting bigger and bigger each time I look at it. I can’t help but to go wow at it.
I learnt not to be so hard on myself when things doesn’t go right.
I learnt to readjust my expectations on certain issues that if I can’t handle it, I can’t handle it.
I learnt to enjoy what I am doing. To enjoy the people, to enjoy serving them, giving them bible studies, to enjoy making phone calls, doing visitations and meeting their needs,
Most of all,
I learnt one new lesson from my mistakes.
That is unconditional love. Really giving without expecting anything in return. Loving irrespective of their character or status. It’s really hard, hard not to make comparisons, hard not to let selfishness arises and take over me, but really, I’ll learn, learn to be more like Him.
DayS of XY's LIFE.
5/25/2007 09:40:00 PM
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
alright... i admit..i like this job cos i can play and have fun and do what i want at the same time.. today is the last day.. by logic.. by right.. i should feel sad or you know.. some longing to continue to stay in this place.. but surprisingly.. i felt..... normal.. mayb cos she's workin today too.. so yeah.. not much excitement that can be produced.. gng to eat ichiban later..a jap restaurant.. yum yum... later?! ya.. i m blogging in office.. haha.. i m not eating snake.. not that totally
nothing to do.. now only left filing of documentations.. and i hate that.. it's super boring and mundane.. i mean it's alright to do it here and then.. but if you have been doing it for like 6 months.. gosh.. just kill me.. so hereby i conclude.. i m seriously not cut out to do admin.. not for LT at least..
i've been hating to sleep early lately.. i mean i love to sleep.. but at the same time i don't want.. i always try to do things or watch shows till i m super tired den i'll go to bed.. mayb it's cause i don't want to close and open my eyes again to realise that ..eh.. it's another day again.. it's e same old process and mind wrestling i got to do it again.. now... i m quite determined.. i've made a decision actually.. just waiting for the right opportunity to strike.. actually i can just let go.. but there's too much and too many burdens that has been on me all these
while.. we are all inter-dependent in this world.. one single decision by me will affect some ple.. somehow.. some don't deserve this actually..but.. ya...
If anyone knows what i m gng thru.. inside of me..
feeling a little lost..
a little tossed in the seas..
all of a sudden..
who am i..
i can't even recognise myself..
not anymore..
DayS of XY's LIFE.
5/01/2007 03:33:00 AM
